Nowadays single women (and men) are looking for a fresh approach to love and romance that embraces both the reality of our inevitable times alone with the sexual awakening we've all experienced. Returning to the bad old days of sexual repression and premarital sex taboos is unhealthy and unrealistic. However, the free love philosophy of the '60s isn't working for us either.
The new era finds millions of us at a confusing juncture in our sexual growth. We are free to have sex whenever and with whomever we want, but we have learned the hard way that there are consequences. Casual sex is not the wise woman's way. Sex outside the beautiful context of a healthy, loving, monogamous, committed partnership often leads to broken hearts, single motherhood, and sexually transmitted diseases. Deep down in our souls we know this to be true, but making peace with this knowledge is a different story. We want our friends and family to believe that we are in relationship, for society measures the value of a woman by her involvement, or lack thereof, with a man. And if a man is not having sex frequently and with as many women as he can manage, he is not perceived as a healthy, red-blooded man.
The reality is, not everybody is doing it, and that's okay. In fact, if your goal is a committed partnership, it makes sense to wait, to use restraint. Celibacy is the last great sexual taboo to come out of the closet. Millions of us are hiding our "shame," our aloneness, like so much dirty linen. We must learn to accept and honor the alone times in our lives as equally sacred to the times in which we are coupled.
I do not view celibacy as superior to being in a relationship. In fact, I often feel that the opposite is true. However, when you're not in a committed, loving, monogamous, healthy relationship, what are you going to do? Hunt the bars for Mr. Goodbar? Where has that gotten most of us, but brokenhearted, desperate, and confused.
Our challenge today is to balance a healthy appreciation of sex and sensuality with our practice of celibacy. In fact, why should couples have all the fun? If you're alone right now, you don't have to give up your natural sexiness and sensuality. You don't even have to give up romance.
I call my approach to the alone times sensual celibacy. It is a celebration of our passions through the six senses: taste, sight, smell, touch, sound, and, for lack of a better term, spirit. As we give up sexual intercourse for a time, we are freed up to embrace all the pleasures that life in a body has to offer. In fact, denying the needs of the body creates stress, which can put our immune systems at risk. When you ache to be touched, when you crave a delicious meal, when all your senses are crying out for satisfaction, you must attend to them.
Take this time alone to enjoy sensual pleasures. For example, is your home filled with pleasing scents, sounds, and textures, or is it just a colorless place to hang your head? Fill your home with flowers. Burn fragrant candles.
We all need to be touched. Babies die if they are not touched. Our souls can shrivel like prunes if we neglect this very important sense. If in the past you've depended on lovers for touch, you will have quite an adventure learning how to satisfy this need in other ways.
Nothing can compare to the touch of another human being. Since practicing sensual celibacy, I touch people more. I hug my kids all the time. I hug and kiss people on the cheek. And if I can coerce a friend into giving me a massage, I'm in heaven.
The most important sense to tend to, however, is the spirit. Practicing celibacy in a world that values the sexually active woman over the woman who chooses to use restraint can be tough. Tending to the spirit involves self-acceptance, self-love, and forgiveness. If you can learn to not only accept your single state but give thanks for it, your time alone will be rich with healing and self-discovery. Most important, women must learn how to be gentle with themselves. There have been times when I've jumped off the celibacy wagon, but I have learned to forgive and have patience with myself. Guilt and shame have no place in this program.
Men and women who desire love and romance can use this time alone to learn how to love themselves first - a prerequisite to loving another. A sensual approach to celibacy allows us to handle this often difficult, lonely time with confidence and self-love.When the time is right and your soul mate comes - and he or she will - you'll enter into that holy relationship with less baggage and a lot of love to give.
Donna Marie Williams is the author of Sensual Celibacy: The Sexy Woman's Guide to Using Abstinence for Recharging Your Spirit, Discovering Your Passions, Achieving Greater Intimacy in Your Next Relationship