The arrogant ego that fights intimate love is the face we keep trying not to lose. This F.A.C.E. of ego
is Fear, Attachment, Control, and Entitlement—the most vicious enemies of intimacy. Attention and
appreciation are lost in the self-centeredness of entitlement. Acceptance and allowing cannot happen
when control takes precedence over equality or when attachment to one’ own version of reality
dominates. Authentic affection cannot easily shown when fear is a driving force.
The F.A.C.E.-lift that happens when we are resource-full lets fear become excitement. Then we may
act with fear but not because of it and we are no longer afraid to show our fear or our vulnerability.
Unconditional love is love without the conditions—the F.A.C.E.—of ego. Such love is free of fear.
Attachment turns into healthy bonding in committed and intelligent ways. We establish and maintain
ties but do not become possessive nor do we let ourselves be possessed. Control becomes the
efficiency that respects the other’s boundaries and gains his respect.
Entitlement becomes self-nurturant assertiveness that gracefully bows to the
fact that we do not always get what we want. That admirable quality not only
brings us the respect of another person but self-respect too.
We can also look at it this way for a quick check on ourselves when we feel our ego being aroused.
The ego was never meant to be annihilated only dismantled and rebuilt in a more constructive way.
The and only then does intimacy become possible. It takes dissolving instead of solving.
WHEN I FEEL: I CHOOSE INSTEAD TO:
Fear Love
Attached Let Go
Controlling Grant Freedom
Entitled See Myself as Equal
Every one of the characteristics of the neurotic ego is a form of pain
It hurts to be on guard and yet always wounded. It hurts to be so frightened of spontaneity that we
have to hold our reins tight and be constantly controlling. It hurts to be so terrified of the conditions
of existence that we have to demand an exemption from them. It would be a great tragedy if we
were to die having successfully saved face in all our relationships. Yet no matter how bad something
about us may be, there is a positive dimension in it. There is a kernel of goodness, an untapped
potential behind each element of:
Fear Prudent caution and intelligent assessment of danger.
Attachment Perseverance and commitment to stay through hard times.
Control Ability to get things done and be efficient at addressing, processing
and resolving.
Entitlement Healthy self-esteem and standing up for one's rights
Here are the gentle and healthy innovations that happen to each of the negative features of the ego
when we let go of having to act it out its agenda in arrogant and neurotic ways:
AS I LET GO OF HAVING TO: I BECOME MORE ABLE TO:
Get my way Co-operate with others
Be noticed and appreciated Ask for, give and receive
by everyone. appreciation.
Insist my mis-deeds be overlooked Apologize and make amends.
Insist I not be shown up or shown Do my best and still be open to
to be wrong. feedback.
Be utterly devastated if I lose face. Admit an error and protect myself from
being shamed.
Make demands on others. Ask for what I want and be able to take
NO for an answer.
Win, be loved, be respected Do my best, ask for rightful credit and
and be given preference. let go.
Have to get back at others Have a sense of justice that asks for redress
or amends without the need to punish.
Assert the implacability of ego Discover the indistructability of the soul.
From: How Be To An Adult in Relationship
Author: David Richo, PhD