All of us at one time or another has had to let go of a relationship – either through a break-up or divorce. This is often a particularly difficult time and I validate (been there) that this can be very painful. But now is the time – more than ever, that deep healing can take place if we look with the eyes of Spirit and learn more about ourselves and why we attracted this experience to us.
There are so many reasons why people come together – they don’t want to be alone, they are looking for a regular sex partner, two incomes buy a bigger home or better apartment, they want a family, have been dating for awhile and it seems like the next logical step, they are afraid to let go for fear that no one else better will come along… we could spend a long time listing things here. But whatever our reason, relationships provide the very best fertile ground for learning about ourselves.
We will attract into our lives whatever situations are required for us to heal down deep, which means that initially, the relationship might feel very good – we feel we are getting our needs met and that there is someone there for us. Rarely are we “authentic” (my favorite word) in the early stages – as we are often afraid that if we say we don’t like something, that the other person says they want – that they will go away. So we smile and say, “Sure, I like that too!” We say, “Yes, I’d love to go” and then find ourselves bored to tears at a sporting event or opera and would rather be home reading a good book or watching a movie. We somehow feel that we cannot be authentic in what we like; for fear that they will not call us back.
In doing Couples Counseling for more than 20 years, I hear all the time – “I said what I needed and now I feel betrayed.” Let’s look at this one closer. While we are dating, this is a time of learning about and seeing if this other “Holy Child of God” would be right for us on a 24/7/365 basis. But what often happens much too quickly, is that the relationship turns sexual very fast. This may seem quite exciting and fun at first – but is often a product of burn out quite quickly – leaving one or both parties feeling scarred and wounded. There is often an “implied commitment” that is felt when the relationship gets intimate – yet, often nothing has been talked about and it is “assumed” that the other party feels the same way we do. Dum-da-dum-dum – this is doomsday!
So we feel betrayed when the other person says “I didn’t say we were in a committed relationship – I thought we were just friends having sex.” OK, roll up your sleeves. If we haven’t talked about what our roles are with each other – then (I know some of you won’t like this) we have no one to blame but ourselves. Now we go to the mirror and look at who hurt who – “we” put our “power” into someone else’s hands. How many of us have had an intimate relationship and then sat by the phone for a week waiting (and particularly – not knowing) whether they would call again. As the children’s Highlights magazine says “what’s wrong with this picture?”
Whatever happened to dating, courtship and becoming friends first and then taking the relationship to a deeper level, if and when it feels right to both parties? If we took time to get to know each other – this means we spend many months talking, laughing, going for walks, really listening to our friend and asking them to really tell us what they feel about various topics – we can find out if both of us, as wonderful children of the Universe, are suited to take this courtship further. There is a wonderful word called “propinquity” that means nearness and sameness, similar in nature. The closer our ideas are – the more likely we are to make that relationship work. But have you noticed how many times we know very little about the person before sex takes place. Here is the problem. Once we experience sex with another person, there is often an “overlooking” that takes place of the other person’s behavior. Many things that we would find not acceptable, we suddenly begin to overlook and make excuses for. Why? Because we are afraid they will go away.
Now let’s ask our Higher Power to step in and heal us. Let’s look at what fears we have about staying in a relationship that is not good for us. We are not asked to do this by ourselves. I know of no better therapist than the Holy Spirit and all we have to do is ask for guidance. Relationships break-up because it is time for our spirit to move in another direction and heal from our past. And here is the rub, most of the time we know that down deep – but are so very afraid to bring it up to the surface and look. That’s when we are dumb-struck that someone left. We have been playing “ostrich” behavior for quite awhile.
Healing on an inner level means we look at our fears and our behaviors. We don’t condemn ourselves or the other person – we look at the causal level – “what was going on for me that I needed that experience.” Sure, we may go through many boxes of tissues and many sessions with our shrink – that’s OK. Healing means we look at – really look at what happened and then with a great deal of love, honor and respect – we bless and let go. We are worthy of wonderful, joyful and loving relationships in our lives and when we learn to treat ourselves with infinite love, we learn, as Sonny Carroll from his poem The Awakening states:
“… Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.
“You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say, “No.” You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to let go…”
By Diane Michele, PhD