Before you can love and accept someone else, you must love and accept yourself. According to this well-known principle, self-love is noble if not necessary for a fulfilling life. So why does the idea of acting from self-love make many of us cringe?
Taking the reprimanding sting out of self-love is one of the therapeutic goals of marriage and family therapist Mary Robinson, MA, LMFT.
Many people think self-love is selfish, when it's actually just the opposite, said Robinson, who has more than 20 years' experience as a psychotherapist. When we receive our own attention and loving care, we become better givers.
For many of us, our struggle with self-love began in childhood, when we learned that being selfish was associated with being egotistical or conceited qualities that were frowned upon while being pleasers garnered praise. Some of us grew into unselfish, pleasing adults who now give to others continually, without giving nourishment to ourselves. The result of our good intentions? Ultimately, unhappiness, resentment, and dissatisfaction erode our lives and our relationships.
Ideally, we strike a balance between caring for ourselves and caring for others. This can be achieved by expressing the highest form of love, which Robinson describes as an attitude of the heart. Robinson's concept of the heart goes deeper than the traditional romantic sentiments it evokes.
The heart, as I'm referring to it, is far from just a 'soft' concept. It is our source of inner wisdom our connection to the divine Source, Robinson explained. As such, the heart is also our loving, compassionate connection to others.
Accordingly, those who develop inner listening and follow the heart's guidance, are most likely to respond in loving and supportive ways.
If we truly act from our heart-center, we are unlikely to do something that is hurtful to others. Striving to live from the heart-center, we come to desire only what is harmonious...what is for the highest good, said Robinson, who has her own private psychotherapy practice in Fort Myers.
Getting into your heart space can be simple: Think of someone you love dearly and deeply, Robinson said. Or remember a time in your life when you felt deeply touched by joy, love and happiness.
If you're angry with your partner or you are in a situation where your feelings are unreasonable, even irrational, and you can't quite switch your thoughts and feelings, Robinson recommends a time out in which conversation and confrontation are best postponed.
Recognize the conflict is irresolvable in the present state of mind. Call a 'time out. Then set a time to resume the discussion. Meanwhile, find a quiet space to deal with your thoughts and feelings, she said.
Explore within yourself why you're reacting, and why your emotions are so intense. Chances are that an extremely emotional reaction is a bigger issue than just the current situation, Robinson continued. If you can recognize what is going on inside yourself and find a place of balance and harmony within, you're ready to resume the conversation.
The time out approach has been so effective in Robinson's couples counseling that she asks each spouse/partner to agree to contract for time outs and to respectfully observe the other's right to use them.
A 'time out' gives each partner an opportunity to take responsibility for (to identify and address) the wounds and scars they bring to the relationship, Robinson said. It's a way out of the 'blame game,' and an unselfish expression of self-love.
How do we know when we've disconnected from our heart center? We feel 'stuck'-hopeless or unable to change, said Robinson, who also conducts workshops and classes focused on awareness, meditation and personal growth. Our relationships are unsatisfying. Or our health may deteriorate. We may also lack a sense of gratitude for our current lives, compensating for what we believe we don't have by overindulging in anything from shopping to drugs.
Therapy is a good way to learn how to love and accept one's self, and to learn ways of healing unresolved issues. However, Robinson cautions therapy is not always a quick fix.
Therapy may relieve symptoms of a problem fairly efficiently and for a short time. Ultimately, the underlying dynamics which created the painful symptoms need to be addressed, Robinson said.
However, Robinson is not necessarily in favor of spending one's whole life in therapy. There are many different ways of learning and healing, she says. A willing and committed person can gain knowledge from many teachers in developing a healthy and productive life.
I'm a strong advocate of teaching clients tools they can use for themselves. And I encourage them to look for various teachers wherever their hearts may guide them, she continued. I believe that the hour a client is in my office is not the most important time. The most valuable part of the therapeutic learning experience is using the new skills and insights you have discovered every day.
In addition to the basic principles of marriage and family therapy, Robinson's holistic approach also incorporates and affirms the wholeness of the individual. As a Certified Rubenfeld Synergist, Robinson is committed to the integration of body, mind, emotions and spirit, the goal of the renowned Rubenfeld Synergy Method, a dynamic system developed by Ilana Rubenfeld in the 1960s.
When we listen to our hearts, we may hear our wisdom and compassion, and express it in our lives and our relationships.
Mary Robinson, MA, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist, instructor and group facilitator.